The other day a good friend asked me if I was going to our 20 year high school reunion. I graduated from Terry Fox Senior Secondary in Port Coquitlam, the very same school that Terry Fox himself attended.
My initial answer was I had no idea there was high school reunion, no one had attempted to get a hold of me. Even if they had, why the fuck would I want to go back?
My friend said he didn't want to go either but his wife was making him. His wife was making him go because he was once a big ass geek but now ranked among the cool and he was also married to a very hot adult entertainer. Of course it was his duty to go flaunt himself in front of the crowd that had been less than polite to him over the years.
That brought me to my own decision. For me, going back to see people from high school would be like a Jew returning to Auschwitz for a reunion with the camp guards. A harsh comparison but I think it gets my point across.
Junior High and High School were nothing short of a prison sentence, ironically I now work in a prison so I can confirm this analogy.
I was labelled as a fag on my first day in Junior High and it was pretty much downhill from there. The level of harassment and bullying I could not even begin to quantify. I doubt the people responsible would even have a clue today of the negative impact they had on my life. I was an easy target. I think what pissed me off the most, aside from the thoughts of suicide, lack of self worth, no confidence and the isolation was after I graduated I realised I really was gay. That was what fucked me up the most! 5 years of hearing over and over that you were a useless faggot and you should kill yourself really can wear on a person. Realizing that it was not just a label, that they were right about my sexual orientation even before I knew, were they right about everything else too?
I don't want to dwell on the past, I've done enough of that over the last 20 years. I only bring this up now because I am finally moving forward in life and I've been letting go of the pains of my youth. Is going back to see the people that pushed me in a bad direction going to better my position? I think at best it will be closure. I don't anticipate any apologies and I won't demand any either. In my own mind I will say a good bye on that world and turn my back on it. There will be no more angry thoughts and regrets. I am responsible for my own situation today and the blame must end.
Aside from the emotional impact, I know I could kick the crap out of my bullies now. I guess I owe them a thanks for that. If not for them I might not have started lifting weights or gone into law enforcement. I've gone toe to toe with serial killers and hard core gang members, I'm not afraid of the bullies anymore. I'm better than that now.
I also give my tormentors credit for my dark and twisted style of horror. Although my stories are fiction, a lot of truth exists on those pages. Writing helped me to work through some of my demons and maybe my bullies deserve some credit there too.
Yes, I will go to my reunion. I'm not thrilled about it, but maybe if I go with an open mind I may be surprised at what I find.
Stay tuned.
